Hi there!   

Finding an empty notebook after your preteen claims they've finished their homework can be deeply frustrating. 

While lying during ages 9-12 is developmentally normal, understanding the root causes helps you respond effectively and turn these moments into opportunities for growth and learning. 

Hi, I’m Lakshmi—your neighborhood laid-back parent. As a mom who's been through this, let me share what I’ve learned so far that actually works to build trust with your kid. 

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The Biggest Misconception About Lying

Most parents think lying comes from a bad place, but that’s not true for kids. Unlike adults, whose lies are often selfish or harmful, preteens usually lie because they’re scared, seeking approval, or testing boundaries.

As parents, it’s important to shift our mindset. Lying doesn’t mean your child is “bad.” It’s often a reflection of their innocence as they figure out how the world works.

More reasons why kids lie, and how to deal with it!  

When Should You Address Lying? 🗣️

Not every lie needs to be a big deal. For example, if your child says they didn’t eat the chocolate, but you know they did, it’s more about why they felt the need to lie.

The real question is this: do they feel safe telling you the truth? If your child is lying to avoid punishment or because they’re scared of your reaction, that’s where we, as parents, need to step in. Building trust now is crucial for those moments later—when they’re teenagers and face bigger challenges. 

A Parent's Guide to Lying and Age-Appropriate Consequences 

Strategies That Worked For Me 👏

1. Avoid Overreacting: When your preteen lies, stay calm. Avoid accusations and approach with curiosity. A question like, “Why do you feel you needed to say that?” helps them reflect and reduces fear of judgment.

2. Focus on the Underlying Reason: Lying often comes from fear or pressure. If they lie about grades, ask gently, “Were you worried I’d be upset?” Show them you value understanding over punishment.

3. Create a Safe Space: Preteens are more honest when they feel safe. Let them know mistakes happen and it’s okay to come to you with the truth. Avoid ridicule or harsh reactions.

4. Reinforce the Importance of Trust: Explain how honesty builds trust. Say, “When you tell me the truth, it helps me trust you more.” This shows them lying impacts relationships, not just rules.

5. Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries: Preteens need structure. If they lie about screen time, set fair limits. For example, “If you’re honest, we can work together to find a balance.” This encourages honesty and accountability.

6. Praise Honesty: Celebrate when they tell the truth, even if it’s about a mistake. Say, “I’m proud you told me what really happened—it shows responsibility.” Positive reinforcement encourages more honesty.

Outdated Advice About Lying You Should Ignore ❌

Harsh punishments for small lies don’t work. Imagine punishing a child for weeks because they lied about stealing candy—what does that teach them? Fear.

Instead, match the consequence to the lie. If they lied about candy, take away candy for the week. Simple. Also, never label them as “bad.” Instead, separate their actions from who they are: “You’re a good person who made a mistake.” 

Why young brains are especially vulnerable to social media.  

Building Trust is the Key

The ultimate goal isn’t to catch every lie; it’s to create a foundation of trust. If your child feels safe being honest now, they’ll come to you with bigger issues later.

One golden rule: don’t overreact to small lies. If they feel judged or afraid, they’ll stop coming to you altogether. And as they grow older, those lines of communication are what matter most.

That’s all for this issue, parents! 💗

But before you leave, don’t forget to check this out… ⬇️👀

Inside the Laid-back Parent’s Internet History this week: 

Note for My Fellow Laid-Back Parents 📧

Kids lying isn’t the end of the world. It’s actually a totally normal part of them figuring out life. 

The best part? Every time you handle these moments with calm and understanding, you’re building a stronger bond with your preteen. You’re showing them that honesty isn’t just about rules—it’s about trust, connection, and knowing they can always come to you, no matter what.

So, when the next little lie comes along, take a deep breath, smile, and remember—you’re raising someone who’s learning, growing, and becoming their best self, thanks to you. You’ve got this!

Catch you next time, 

Lakshmi (Chief of Chill Parenting)