Hi,

It happens at least a couple times a week in my house or more. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes I don’t know what to do. 

"How come he has an Apple Watch and I don't?", that’s my younger one.

"You let him get away with everything, but when I do it, you punish me.", that’s from my older one. 

I am sure it sounds familiar? My younger son will point at his older brother's Apple watch, or something else and we all laugh. But sometimes, especially when my 13-year-old says it, there's real hurt underneath the words.

A genuine belief that I love his brother more or at least, that his brother gets more of me.

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THE UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH (That Nobody Talks About)

I don't have a favorite child. But I do treat them differently. Very differently.

My older son (13) gets more structure, more rules, more consequences. Also more independence, more responsibility, more trust.

My younger son (10), he gets some grace. He's chill, doesn’t make a fuss about most things and yes, sometimes he gets away with things his older brother absolutely would not.

Does that make me a bad parent? I used to think maybe. Does it mean I'm playing favorites? No. It does mean something I'm finally okay saying out loud:

You can't treat every kid the same way.

The Apple Watch was the big one.

When my older son went to middle school, we got him an Apple Watch. Not for fun, for practical reasons. We wanted to stay in touch. He's more independent. He needed it for his life.

But I knew what that would look like to my younger son. So at the exact same time, we got him a smartwatch too. A kid's version. Age-appropriate. No cellular. Something special that said: "You got something too. You matter too."

My older one still thinks, "I never got anything at his age. You let him get away with things you'd never let me do."

My answer is: "Yes … and there's a reason."

He doesn't always like it. But at least I'm being honest. For me, that matters way more than perfect fairness ever will

POLL 1: What's Your Reality?

WHY THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS

The accusation of favoritism is rooted in something real. It's just not what you think.

I'm not easy on my younger son because I love him more. I'm easier because of who he is. He doesn't hold grudges. He lets things go. He doesn't lie awake replaying a conversation where I said no. He just moves forward.

My older son is a different animal. He notices everything. He remembers every perceived injustice. He dwells and because I know this about him, I know that a consequence will hit differently, so I'm more careful. I hold the line more firmly.

I believe it’s parenting not favoritism. 

Different kids need different things. When you're trying to parent fairly, you end up treating them differently. Neither is getting more love. They're getting what they actually need.

But here's what they see: "He got X, I didn't. Mom loves him more."

It's hard to argue with that logic when you're 10.

POLL: Your Honest Answer

THE THING I DON'T SAY BUT WORRY ABOUT

I have to tell you this part because it's the real reason I'm writing about it.

My husband has a brother. For years, decades, actually there was this undercurrent of tension about favoritism in their childhood. Who got what, who got more attention, whose accomplishments got celebrated. It became this thing that just lived between them. Never addressed, and I don't want that for my kids.

So we're conscious about it. Not obsessive, but aware. When something hurts and if you don't address them, they fester. They become this silent thing that affects your relationship forever. That scares me more than a kid saying "you like him better."

THE STRATEGY THAT ACTUALLY WORKS

I never do sit-down conversations. You know the-  "Let me explain why your brother got that and you didn't."

They never work, in my opinion. My older son would listen, nod, and then still feel hurt because logic doesn't touch that feeling of unfairness. Explanation doesn't reach the part of him keeping score. So, we do this instead:

When one of my kids has a success, for example, my older son gets an acting job, my younger one wins at tennis, we celebrate. But here's the trick: I ask the other kid to help plan the celebration. Secretly.

Not a big party, just something thoughtful. "Hey, your brother just booked a role. What do you think we should do to celebrate him? Pick a cookie cake. Pick some balloons. Make it a surprise."

Suddenly, the kid who might feel unimportant is now invested. He's not sitting on the sidelines thinking, "Everyone cares about him, not me." He's actively making the joy happen. He's the hero.

The first time my younger son did this, he picked a cookie cake from a special bakery. That's worth more than perfect fairness ever could be.

A Note for My Fellow Laid-Back Parents

If you're reading this and thinking, "Yeah, that's totally me," here's what I want you to know:

You're not a bad parent for treating your kids differently.

You're not failing because one kid gets something the other doesn't. You're not guilty for the fact that your kids have accused you of this.

What matters is what you do next. Be conscious. Notice when you're easier on one kid. Notice when you're holding the line harder with another.

Ask yourself: Am I doing this because I love one more? Or because I'm trying to parent each kid as themselves?

If it's the first one, that's worth working on.
If it's the second one, that's just good parenting.

My older son still accuses me of being easier on his brother. My younger son still points out unfairness. I still don't have a perfect answer. But I'm done trying to have one.

Instead, I'm trying to be honest and I'm trying to make sure that when my kids grow up, they don't carry resentment about who got more or who was the favorite.

That's what matters to me. That's what I hope matters to you too.

See you next week,
Lakshmi 💛

P.S. If your kids accuse you of favoritism and it's light and joking? You're probably doing fine. Keep going. But if there's real hurt underneath those accusations, pay attention to it. Not with guilt, but with intention.

📺 LAKSHMI WATCHES THIS WEEK:

Two things I watched this week when I needed a few minutes to myself: 

🎬 Movie Trailer I Found Interesting:

👨‍👩‍👧 Parenting Moment That Hit: