Hi there,

If you’re a parent of more than one child, you already know this, rivalry is part of the deal.

The daily bickering, the invisible scorekeeping, the subtle fight for your attention, it’s all baked into family life.

At my home, it’s rarely over big things. It’s the small stuff that adds up. Who sat where. Who had the bigger scoop of ice cream. 

That’s what this issue is about, understanding where rivalry really comes from and finding ways to make it work for your kids, not against them. Let’s dive in

What’s Actually Behind the Fights

Kids compete when they don’t feel distinct.

When their sense of identity starts overlapping, the same school, same friends, same expectations, competition becomes their way of saying, “Don’t mix me up.”

That’s why I try to create little pockets of individuality: 

• My older one’s the artist. My younger one’s the athlete. They still dip into each other’s worlds, but they have lanes that are theirs.
  

• We give them separate one-on-one time with us, even ten minutes of “just us” helps.
  

• And when we play board games? It’s kids vs. adults. Always. Never one parent-child duo against another. That’s a guaranteed meltdown. 

Competition softens when you remove the scoreboard. You stop asking, “Who’s better?” and start asking, “Who are you becoming?”

7 Reasons Your Kids Fight Constantly!  

The Step-Back Rule (and Why It Works)

When they were little, I used to jump into every argument the second it started. It felt like the responsible thing to do, keeping the peace, setting things straight.

But the more I stepped in, the more I realized they weren’t solving the problem; they were performing for me. Every fight became about who I’d side with, not what was fair. 

Now, unless someone’s hurt or crossing a line, I wait. If it’s about fairness, I say, “Alright, what’s the rule here?” and step back.

They bicker, they sulk, but eventually they sort it out. 

When it gets too heated, I tell them, “Pause. We’ll talk later when you’re calm.”

I am not too big on forcing them to say sorry or wanting to patch up right that instant because that mostly is not genuine, so I let them have their space and when they are ready to talk, they do.

Because a forced “sorry” might fix the noise, but never the problem.  

Things I Do (or Try To) So They Fight a Little Less

I haven’t figured out how to stop the fighting. But I’ve found a few things that help.

1. They share a room. People are always surprised when I say this especially considering we do have the space for them to each have their own room. But it works for us. They argue about lights, space, and who left the towel on the floor. Still, they learn to live together. That room has taught them more about compromise than any rule I could make.

2. I don’t take sides. If it’s about fairness, I just say, “What’s the rule here?” and leave it there. They keep bickering, but eventually, they fix it. The less I get involved, the more they figure out how to listen to each other.

3. I let them plan small things together. Sometimes it’s making dinner, deciding what to watch, or setting up a family game. It doesn’t matter what it is, the point is they do it together. It teaches them to work as a team without competing for attention.

4. I give them shared goals. When they cook or clean, they each have a role. One chops, one sets up. One builds, one paints. It stops the “who did more” game and turns it into “we did it together.”

5. We talk after the storm. Once everyone’s calm, I ask simple questions.

> What were you trying to say before it got loud?
> What do you need from your brother right now?
> Figure it out! How can you fix this together?

It shifts them from blame to repair. 

7 Evidence-Based Ways to Stop Sibling Fighting

Why It Matters in the Long Run

If the fighting keeps going unchecked, it doesn’t stay small. It grows into silence. I’ve seen it happen, kids turn into adults who only talk out of obligation. And that’s what I don’t want for mine.

Like it or not, siblings are the longest relationships our kids will have. They’ll outlive us, outlast school friends, and probably even move through life’s biggest changes together. So it matters that they like each other, not just love each other because they’re supposed to.

That bond is going to be there when we’re not. And I want it to be a soft place to land, not another battlefield.

That’s all for this issue, parents! See you same time next week 💗

Inside the Laid-back Parent’s Internet History this week: 

🔖 READ: How Sibling Rivalry Can Help You Succeed

🔖 READ: ‘Don’t get into the it’s-not-fair game!’ How to survive the hell of sibling rivalry, as a child and a parent 

🔖 WATCH: Do Your Kids Have Different Parents?? 

Note for My Fellow -Back Parents 📧

If your kids are in that phase where every day feels like a competition, take heart.

You don’t need to fix every fight.
You just need to stay steady through it.

Notice what they’re really fighting for, your approval, fairness, or identity, and meet that need quietly.

Sibling rivalry isn’t a sign something’s broken. It’s a sign your kids are learning how to love and argue inside the same space.

Let them.

They’ll figure it out, as long as they know you see them both, fully, and separately.

See you next week 💛

Lakshmi