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What to Do When Your Tween Says “You Don’t Get It”
Learn how to handle tween emotional outbursts, decode what they really mean, and build deeper trust, even when they shut down.
Hi there,
There’s a moment in parenting that I’m sure most of us have experienced. Your child looks at you and says: “You don’t get it.”
It stings. Not just because of what they said, but because deep down, we fear it might be true.
I’ve heard those words from my 12-year-old and starting to hear it from my 9-year-old. And over time, I’ve come to realize something important: It’s not always about disagreement. It’s often about disconnection.
Hi, I’m Lakshmi, mom of two, reporting from the trenches. In this issue, we’re unpacking how to navigate those moments when your child shuts down, and you’re not sure how to show up the right way.
🧩 What’s Behind “You Don’t Get It”
When your tween says, “You don’t get it,” it can mean a lot of things. It might be:
→ I feel embarrassed.
→ I’m not ready to talk about it.
→ You’re not hearing me the way I need you to.
It’s rarely about the surface-level thing. And if we only respond to the words, we miss the message.
What they want in that moment is not a fix. They want acknowledgement. They want to know they’re not crazy for feeling the way they do.
The Line That Changed Everything 😇
Here’s something I started doing that changed how our conversations go:
“Here’s what I understood. Can you tell me what you meant?” |
That one question has stopped so many spirals before they started.
It signals that I’m not trying to win, I’m trying to understand. And more importantly, it tells my child that their words matter enough to get right.
I don’t always get it perfect. I’ve definitely misread situations before, jumped in too early, tried to solve too soon. But when I pause and invite them to clarify, it almost always leads to a better place.
🚪 If They Don’t Come to You First
This part is hard to admit, but important to say.
There have been moments where you will hear about something your child might be going through, from someone else first.
It will hurt. But instead of reacting with, “Why didn’t you tell me?” Ask yourself a much harder question:
“Have I made it safe enough for them to bring the awkward, messy stuff to me?” |
That’s the work. Not assuming closeness, earning it, moment by moment.
🧬 What Your 12-Year-Old Really Wants
At this age, they’re changing fast. They want more freedom, but they still want reassurance. They want to feel smart, capable, respected, and they want to stop being talked down to.
What they don’t want? A lecture.
I’ve learned that even when I have the “right” answer, it’s not helpful unless they feel like I’m on their side. So I’ve started saying less. Asking more. Listening longer.
Sometimes just being present without fixing is the most respectful thing we can do.
🎬 A Moment from Inside Out 2
If you’ve watched Inside Out 2, you might remember the scene with Anxiety—the tear that rolls down her cheek. Understand the diversity of your tweens emotions, click here to start!
That one moment floored me. Because I’ve seen that same look in my own child’s eyes: overwhelmed, ashamed, unsure what to say.
That film reminded me of something essential. By 12, our kids aren’t just feeling “happy” or “sad.” They’re juggling embarrassment, envy, fear, insecurity, and they don’t always have the words for any of it.
Sometimes after a hard day, I’ll ask:
“Tell me what's bothering you the most today?” |
Sometimes they answer. Sometimes they don’t. But the question opens a window. And it tells them: you’re allowed to feel it all here.
🧱 Play the Long Game
Here’s what I keep coming back to:
If they shut down at 12, they probably won’t come back at 16.
Now is when we lay the groundwork. Not when the stakes are high, but when they’re small, everyday things.
It’s these little moments of calm connection that build a relationship they can count on.
That’s all for today’s issue, parents! 💗
Inside the Laid-back Parent’s Internet History this week:
Note for My Fellow Laid-Back Parents 📧
Our kids are not who they were two years ago. And neither are we.
They’re growing into themselves, sometimes awkwardly, sometimes with a lot of resistance. And we’re learning how to meet them there, without holding onto outdated versions of who they were.
So the next time you hear: “You don’t get it.” Try not to flinch. Try not to solve.
Instead, ask what they meant. And mean it when you say, “I want to understand.”
Until next time,
Lakshmi 💛
When your child says, “You don’t get it,” what’s your first instinct? |