Hi there,

The other day, my 10-year-old son took the trash out without me asking or any visual chore chart. Just an unspoken rule in our house, if it’s full, you handle it. 

That moment made me realize, the things that truly run a family aren’t written anywhere. No one says them out loud, but everyone lives by them.

Today, I’m sharing the unspoken rules in our home, the ones my kids push back on, and the ones I’ve had to change as they grow, plus how you can spot and reshape yours too.

The 5 Unspoken Rules of My Family 

1. We always eat dinner together (Without any screens or distractions)

This one is non-negotiable. Well, except for the occasional cases. But for the most part, dinner is when we're all present. Not on our phones, not scrolling, not half-listening while watching TV.

With parents and kids having a packed schedule, it’s easy to let this one slide. But this is the hill I'm willing to die on because this is the time when we check in, hear about everyone’s day, and stay connected.

Science-Based Benefits of Family Mealtime.  

2. If Someone's in a Bad Mood, Give Them Space First, Then Check In

We're not a "talk about it immediately" family. If one of my kids comes home grumpy, I don't pounce with questions. I give them 20 minutes, let them decompress, and then check in.

This rule evolved organically because I realized that forcing conversations when emotions are high never ends well. Whether it's a rough day at school or an argument with a friend, sometimes people just need a minute to breathe before they're ready to share.

How to apply this when emotions are high:

If your child storms into their room after school, resist the urge to follow and “solve it.”

Try this instead:

Say it once, calmly, then walk away.

“You don’t have to talk right now. Take your time. I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re ready.”

Then, and this is important, actually check back. Twenty to thirty minutes later. 

“Want to talk about it now, or just sit with me for a bit?”

By this time, they start talking! 

3. You Cheer for Each Other, Even When You Don't Want to Be There

This one is huge in our house. If your sibling has a tennis match, a school performance, or literally anything they care about, you show up and you cheer, even if you're bored out of your mind.

Because kids remember who was in the stands, they remember who clapped for them, who stayed through the whole thing, who made them feel like what they were doing mattered.

You can make it easier by:

• Mentioning it early: “Your brother’s match is on Saturday at 9. We’re all going.”
  

• Giving them a role: “Can you record a few clips for him so he can watch later?”
  

• Saying it clearly afterwards: “He saw you there. That meant something.”

They’ll complain about it, but that’s fine.

4. We Don't Joke About Things That Make Someone Feel Insecure

Teasing is a part of sibling dynamics. But there's a line, and in our house, crossing it has consequences. If you know your brother is sensitive about something, you don't joke about it. 

This rule came into play when I noticed how easily a "harmless" joke could stick with a kid for years. The little digs, the offhand comments, they add up. So we shut that down early. 

How to enforce it without starting a war

• Yelling is not my style. So, I pull them aside and tell them exactly what went wrong: “He laughs with you most of the time. He didn’t laugh this time. That means it hurt. That’s when you stop.”
  

• I make them repair it, not with a forced apology, but with a real act of care (helping them with homework, giving back something they took, or simple accountability).
  

• And if they keep doing it, there are consequences, no devices, no hanging out at a friend’s home. Words aren’t harmless. Neither are the consequences.

5. If You See the Trash Is Full, Take It Out

This one is less philosophical and more practical, but it matters. We don't have a rotating chore chart for trash duty. The rule is simple: if you notice it's full, you deal with it.

And honestly, this applies to a lot of things. If the dishwasher is clean, empty it. If you spill something, wipe it up. Don't wait for someone else to handle it.

This teaches them:

• That responsibility is not something you perform only when someone is watching.
  

• That family is not a hotel, you don’t just live in it, you help run it.
  

• That doing your part without being asked is a sign of maturity, not obedience.

Right now this rule looks like trash bags and dishes, but one day it becomes bigger things, noticing when your partner is exhausted and stepping in.

Cleaning up your mess before it becomes someone else’s problem. Handling what needs to be done instead of saying, “That’s not my job.” 

What These Rules Say About Our Family Culture

When I look at these unspoken rules, they paint a pretty clear picture of who we are.

We value connection, dinner together, showing up for each other, circling back when someone’s had a hard day.

We respect boundaries, we give space before we ask questions, and we don’t joke about things that cut deep.

We believe in shared responsibility, if you live here, you help here. No one gets to sit out just because it’s not “their job.”

We like structure, but not at the cost of joy, rules matter, but so does laughter, flexibility and grace. 

At the core of it all is one quiet expectation, be kind, pay attention to others. And if my kids carry just that into the world, I’ll call it a win.

If My Kids Could Rewrite the Rules

I asked my boys what they’d change if they were in charge, and their answers weren’t surprising, but they did make me think.

First on their list, more screen time. They’re convinced they’re “responsible enough” to manage it on their own. I love their confidence. But I’ll pass! 

They’d also vote for later bedtimes. When they were little, lights out at 8:30 was survival. Now it just starts arguments. We’ve moved to a simpler rule, get enough sleep to function like a decent human tomorrow, but trust me, they’d push that as far as they could. 

Then comes the eternal battle, snacks anywhere. They’d happily eat chips on the couch, in their rooms, maybe even in their backpacks for later. I, however, have seen what happens when food leaves the kitchen. It involves ants and regret. 

And then there’s the big one, “more independence.” That’s their way of saying fewer reminders, fewer check-ins, more freedom to make their own choices. And honestly, they’re not entirely wrong. As they get older, some of our rules do need to grow up with them.

What About Your Family?

Take a second and think about the unspoken rules in your house. The things nobody says out loud, but everyone just knows.

  • Do you have a "no phones at the table" rule?

  • Are there jokes that are off-limits, even in teasing? 

  • Is there an expectation that everyone helps clean up after dinner?

  • Do you give each other space, or do you talk things out immediately?

And here's the bigger question: What do those rules say about your family?

Because the unspoken rules aren't just about keeping the peace. They're about the values you're quietly teaching your kids every single day.

That's all for today's issue, parents! 💗

Inside the Laid-back Parent’s Internet History this week: 

🔖 READ: How to Set Family Rules That Actually Stick

🔖 READ: The Power of Family Dinner: Why It Matters More Than You Think

🔖 READ: When to Let Go of Childhood Rules (And When to Double Down)

Note for My Fellow -Back Parents 📧

Families aren’t built on chore charts or curfews. They’re built on the quiet rules we repeat without ever saying them out loud.

Some of ours still serve us. Some need to evolve. And some, like 8:30 bedtimes and no-snacks-on-the-couch, are slowly being retired.

But if my kids remember one thing, I want it to be this, being part of a family means you’re responsible for each other, not just yourself. 

See you next week,
Lakshmi 💛