Not Every Kid Loves Competition, And That’s Okay

Let’s talk about pressure, comparison, and when it’s time to just let them play.

May 29, 2025

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Hi there,

This one’s been on my mind since a conversation I had with a dad on the tennis courts.

We were watching our kids play when he shared that his son used to love chess. Showed promise, too. But the moment they put him into competitions, the love disappeared. Same thing with tennis. He’d light up during practice, but as soon as the stakes got higher, the spark faded.

That hit home for me…

Hi, I’m Lakshmi, mom of two curious, growing (and sometimes non-competitive) boys. 

Let’s talk about what I’ve learned, what I’m still figuring out, and how we can raise kids who grow into themselves! 

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The Silent Pressure We Don’t Realize We’re Creating

Pressure doesn’t always look like yelling on the sidelines or pushing for medals.

It’s the little things. The way we ask, “Did you win?” instead of “Did you have fun?” The way we compare them, quietly, even unintentionally, to kids who seem to be “ahead.”

The pressure to get the highest grades, to make it into the top class, to keep up with the “gifted” kids.

For a child who doesn’t thrive in competition, these little things feel heavy. They might not say it out loud, but you’ll see it, the tension, the stress, the sense that they’re not enough.

Parental Pressure in Sports, and How it Makes Your Child Feel. READ here!  

Parent Check-In Corner: When was the last time you asked your child how they felt about an activity, before asking how they did? 

Recognizing the Kid Who Doesn’t Like Competition

With my younger son, it was clear: he loved the game, but not the competition.

He’d show up for practice, focused and ready. He worked hard, had the skills, and was really good at it.

But when it came time for tournaments, something changed. His energy shifted. He’d get quiet. Emotional. Almost like the joy drained out of him.

It took us a while to see it. At first, we thought, “Maybe he’s nervous. Maybe it’s just a phase.”

It wasn’t.

He just didn’t like competing. And once we saw that, we stopped pushing tournaments. We let him play for the love of it. Over time, as he grew more confident, the idea of competing didn’t scare him as much.

That’s what I’ve learned: you have to watch for the signs.  

Motivation or Mismatch❓

This is the question I keep coming back to… 

Is it a lack of motivation, or is it just a mismatch between what we expect and what they need?

If your child loves the activity but dreads the tournament, it’s not a motivation issue.

If they dance around the living room but freeze at the recital, it’s not a motivation issue.

It’s about the environment and the expectation to prove something instead of just enjoying it.

Most of our kids aren’t going to be professional athletes or chess champions. And that’s okay.

Our job isn’t to turn them into the best at something. But help them love what they do and keep doing it, at their own pace.

[PS: Found this on reddit and nothing explains parental pressure and lack of motivation of child than this ⬇️]

Phrases That Build Confidence Without Comparison

The way we talk to our kids can either lift them up, or make them feel like they’re falling short.

I’ve been working on shifting my own language. Here are the phrases I try to use more:

✔ “You worked so hard on that.”
✔ “You should feel proud of yourself.”
✔ “Did you enjoy it?”
✔ “What part did you love most?”
✔ “How can we make it even more fun next time?”

These small shifts remind them that the goal isn’t to win, it’s to try, to learn, and to keep going.

Defending Your Child’s Path

This comes up a lot for us.

Other parents wonder why we let our kids try so many things instead of pushing them to specialize. Why are we okay with them not being the best on the team? Why don't we chase every trophy?

Our stance is clear: We’re not here to raise the best 10-year-old in the city.

We’re here to raise a kid who loves what they do, who feels confident in their own skin, and who knows they have time to figure it all out.

That’s all for today’s issue, parents! 💗

Inside the Laid-back Parent’s Internet History this week: 

Note for My Fellow Laid-Back Parents 📧 

Repeat after me: we’re not raising the best 8-year-old in the city. We’re playing the long-game - raising an adult who enjoys what they do.  

We’re raising kids who love what they do. And the kids who know they’re enough.

Until next time,
Lakshmi 💛 

What’s your biggest challenge when it comes to not pushing your child into competition?

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