Hope you all are enjoying a lovely Thanksgiving Break! With the kids home for the holidays it can be so fun, but let’s be real,  it can be a lot! I came across an article listing "10 toxic parenting behaviors that ruin your child's confidence," and honestly? I had to pause.

Most of these behaviors are genuinely harmful. But seeing them all laid out like that made me realize how easy it is to slip into these patterns without even knowing it.

So I did what any reasonable person would do, I ranked them. From absolute worst to "honestly, this one's just annoying."

So strap in. I'm ranking all 10, and I’m curious which ones land hardest for you. 

Rules 

Let’s get into it ⬇️

#10 Constant Comparisons

The Behavior: 

Putting your child down by constantly comparing them to other kids. "Why can't you be more like your cousin?" "Your friend got straight A's - what's wrong with you?"

Why It's the Worst:

This is the one that does the most damage.

Kids internalize these comparisons. They start to believe they'll never be good enough, that someone else will always be better, smarter, more talented.

I've seen this play out in so many families, especially in communities where academic and extracurricular achievement is heavily emphasized. Kids are pushed to excel, but instead of feeling motivated, they feel inadequate.

#9: Shaming and Belittling

The Behavior: 

Using insults, sarcasm, or constant jokes about things your child is insecure about - their weight, appearance, abilities, or personality.

Why It's So Damaging:

We're not talking about lighthearted teasing. We're talking about things like making jokes about a child's weight. Saying things like "You shouldn't be eating that" or "Maybe you should skip dessert" or for a thinner child “He’s my beanstalk” 

That's shaming. And it's terrible for their self-esteem.

I know adult women who are still dealing with the effects of comments like this from when they were kids. It takes years of therapy to reverse this kind of damage.

#8: Striving for Perfection 

The Behavior: 

Expecting perfection from your child in everything they do - schoolwork, chores, sports, behavior.

Why It's So Toxic:

The thing about perfection is that childhood is when kids should make as many mistakes as possible. It doesn't matter when you're young. You can mess up, learn from it, and move on.

As adults, it's harder to recover from mistakes. But when you're 8? Making mistakes is part of the process.

Expecting perfection teaches kids that mistakes are bad, that they should be ashamed of failing. And that mindset follows them into adulthood. They become people who are terrified of taking risks because they're scared of being less than perfect.

Now, expecting them to follow through on daily habits? That's different. You can expect them to do their chores and take care of their responsibilities. But do you expect them to wash all the dishes perfectly? Perfectly fold the laundry? That's when it gets toxic.

The fact that they're doing it at all? That's enough.

#7: Lack of Encouragement

The Behavior: 

Not recognizing your child's effort, big or small. Never saying "good job" or acknowledging their accomplishments.

Why It Matters:

Okay, I struggled with this one. Most parents I know do encourage their children. They say "great job on the test" or "I'm proud of you." So I don't know many parents who completely withhold encouragement.

But I can only imagine that if a child isn't hearing it, it leads to the same issue as all the others: not feeling their own self-worth.

The 13 Long-Term Effects Of Having Parents Who Never Praised Your Efforts.  

#6: Unrealistic Expectations

The Behavior: 

Setting goals too high. "You have to get into Harvard," or "You need to be the best on the team."

Why It's a Gray Area:

This one’s tricky, because there’s a fine line between setting high expectations and setting unrealistic ones.

Yes, sometimes you should push your child. Especially when they show real passion for something, setting high expectations can help them rise to the challenge.

But it crosses into danger when those expectations aren’t grounded in goals. Saying “I hope my kid gets into Harvard” or “I want them to be the best on the team” without a plan or without their buy-in… that’s wishful thinking.

And I’ve seen how harmful that can get.

Parenting Goals and Expectations Must Pass the Reality Test 

#5: Overprotectiveness

The Behavior: 

Shielding your child from challenges so they don't learn resilience. Stepping in every time things get hard. 

Why It's Complicated:

This one is age-dependent. I don't think it's that bad when kids are young - like 6 and under. But as they get older, it becomes a problem.

And here's the thing, you don't see the effects of this until they're much older. Like in their 20s, when you're thinking "Wait, this kid can't get through life."

It's a long-term toxic trait that you don't feel the effects of right away. 

#4: Living Through Your Child

The Behavior: 

Pushing your own dreams onto your child and making them lose sight of their own.

Why It Happens:

This one happens a lot in the sports world. Dads tend to do it with their boys.

Say you were a great baseball player when you were younger. A lot of times, genetically, that means your kid also has that talent. But talent doesn't equal passion.

So it can start as a very well-intentioned thing - "I want to share this with my kid" - and then it can easily turn toxic when you're pushing them even when they have no passion or desire for it.

Eventually, they burn out and drop out.

10 Signs Your Child Is Suffering from Burnout (And What to Do About It) 

#3: The "I Told You So" Trap

The Behavior: 

Reminding your child of their mistakes and saying "I told you so" every time they mess up.

Why It's More Annoying Than Toxic:

Okay, we all have friends like this, right? That one person who never misses an opportunity to remind you they were right.

If a parent is doing this to a kid, it's annoying. But I don't know if it has the same long-term effects as some of the other behaviors on this list.

It's more about creating an irritating dynamic than it is about damaging their confidence.

#2: Invalidating Emotions

The Behavior: 

Ignoring or downplaying your child's feelings. Making them feel unheard or like their emotions don't matter.

Why It's a Problem:

This one is definitely an issue. If your child is trying to tell you how they feel and you're brushing it off or gaslighting them ("I didn't even do that"), it creates a pattern where they stop sharing with you.

It goes back to self-esteem issues. They're never feeling heard or good enough.

#1 Taking Over Tasks

The Behavior: 

Doing things for your child that they can do themselves reduces their independence.

Why It's the Lowest:

I see this a lot in school project situations. The kid asks for help, and the parent just does it for them. And I'm like, "What are you doing?"

It's definitely a bad habit. But I don't think there's long-term harm in it the same way there is with the other behaviors on this list.

What This Ranking Reveals

Here's what I learned from this exercise: not all toxic behaviours are equally damaging.

Some - like constant comparisons and shaming - leave deep, lasting scars that kids carry into adulthood.

Others - like taking over tasks or saying "I told you so" - are annoying and unhelpful, but they're fixable.

The key is awareness. Most parents who do these things don't even realize they're doing them. And the intention is almost always good.

But intention doesn't erase impact. That's all for today's issue, parents! 💗

Inside the Laid-back Parent’s Internet History this week: 

🔖 READ: A Child's POV: What Constant Comparison Can Do

🔖 READ: How Perfectionism in Childhood Leads to Anxiety in Adulthood

🔖 READ: Let Them Fail!

Note for My Fellow -Back Parents 📧

The hardest part about this list? Realizing that most of us have done at least one of these things.

I know I have. I've compared my kids to each other without thinking. I've taken over tasks because it was faster. 

But awareness is the first step. Once you see the pattern, you can change it.

You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to do better.

And that? That's enough.

See you next week,
Lakshmi 💛