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How to Spot Overwhelm in Your Preteen (Before It’s Too Late)

How to Spot Overwhelm in Your Preteen (Before It’s Too Late)

When Procrastination, Panic, or Mood Swings Signal Something Deeper

March 27, 2025

Hi there,

A calm Tuesday morning suddenly exploded when my 12-year-old refused to go to school.

The trigger? A missing sock.

But it wasn't about the sock. It never is.

Kids aren't great at saying "I'm mentally maxed out" - instead, they slam doors, snap at you, or suddenly "forget" how to unload the dishwasher.

Hi I am Lakshmi, mom of 2 boys, always in the trenches and I share everything I learn from my parenting wins and pitfalls. And today, let's dive into spotting overwhelm before the explosion (and what actually works to help them reset)...

🚩 4 Hidden Signs Your Preteen Is Overwhelmed

1. The Silent Treatment (But Not the Usual Kind)

If your once-chatty kid suddenly goes quiet, locking themselves in their room, avoiding family time, or giving you one-word answers, they're probably not just in a bad mood.

🧠 What's Really Happening: They're mentally maxed out. Shutting down is their way of hitting “pause.”

What I Do: Forget the heavy “We need to talk” moment. Instead, I try something casual, like chatting while driving or cooking. No eye contact, no pressure, just space for them to let it out.

Pro Tip: Start with random, low-stakes questions. “What's the weirdest thing that happened at school today?” works way better than “Is something wrong?”

When they finally open up, I try to resist the urge to jump in with solutions. Sometimes they just need to vent.

2. The Drama King/Queen Phase

When my son refused to go to baseball practice one evening, I assumed he was just being stubborn.

But when I finally got him to talk, he blurted out a list of things he'd been stressing over, a 3D printing project, unfinished homework, and a bunch of random to-dos that he had built up in his head.

Baseball wasn’t the issue, mental overload was.

🧠 What’s Really Happening: Overwhelm often shows up as irritability. Their mind’s racing, and frustration spills over.

What To Do: Instead of jumping in with “This isn't a big deal!” try to ask: “What’s been feeling like too much lately?”

That one question shifts their mindset from frustration to reflection, and makes a huge difference.

3. The Professional Procrastinator

Ever notice your kid avoiding tasks like they’re allergic to responsibility — stalling, making excuses, or just ignoring everything?

🧠 What’s Really Happening: They’re overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.

What I Do: Instead of, “Why haven't you started yet?” I say:

“Let's make a list of everything you have to do. Which one feels easiest to start with?”

That small shift gives them a sense of control, which feels way better than, “Just start already!”

Pro Tip: If they're stuck, break tasks into tiny steps. "Don't write the whole essay, just brainstorm three ideas first." It's all about helping them gain momentum.

Your kids are procrastinating, but not because they’re lazy. Read to know what’s stopping them!

4. The TikTok/YouTube/Sephora Spiral

Overwhelm isn't just about school, it's social too.

My son recently told me about a new rule at his school: no makeup allowed. Turns out, girls had been skipping class to spend 30 minutes in the bathroom perfecting their contour. 11-year-olds spending their lunch break touching up their eyeliner! As a mom of boys, this was news to me!

The ‘Sephora kid’ trend shows tweens are psyched about skincare. But their overzealous approach is raising concerns. READ here.

It's wild, but honestly, I get it. Between TikTok trends and influencers pushing $50 skincare routines, kids are drowning in “I'm not enough” moments.

What To Do: Instead of saying "You don't need that stuff!" ask:

"Do you feel like you're missing out if you don't have those things?"

That question opens the door for a conversation, one that feels like support instead of judgment.

The 'Reset Button' Ritual 🏳️

The best fix for overwhelm? Routine, even if it's small.

What's Worked for Us:

✅ A clutter-free workspace, nothing fancy, just a clear desk where they can focus.
✅ A simple "brain dump" habit, writing down everything on their mind before bed helps them sleep better. ✅ Movement, even a 10-minute bike ride or a quick game of basketball can reset their mood fast.

Each kid is different and “reset” in different ways - for my younger son, peace and quiet with no screens before bed has been a game-changer. For my older one? Blasting rock music (yes, rock music) actually helps him focus.

Here’s what experts say about calming down your child.

Pro Tip: Treat their "reset" habit like a non-negotiable, as important as brushing their teeth or packing their school bag.

That’s all for today’s issue, parents! 🩷

See you next week, with another interesting topic. But first, check this out 👀⬇️