Hi there,

We tell our kids: “Learn from your mistakes.” Then we spend their whole childhoods making sure they never make any.       

That’s the irony of modern parenting, we protect them so much, they grow up unprepared. “FAFO parenting” forces you to do the unthinkable, step back, and let life do the teaching.

In today's issue, we’re talking about what’s better: FAFO or no FAFO? And what should you do? Let’s get started!    

What is FAFO, let’s understand

“FAFO parenting” stands for “Fuk Around and Find Out.”

It’s a blunt way of saying that kids learn best when they experience the natural consequences of their choices. While I don’t use that exact terminology, I do believe in the idea behind it, that actions have outcomes, and understanding that early builds stronger, more grounded adults.

It’s important to let them feel the edges of their choices. That’s how accountability and self-trust are built. 

What Is FAFO Parenting? Unpacking the Trend Parents Are Buzzing About… 

It’s Hard, I Know…

Firstly, let’s get it out of our way. We love our children. We don't want to see them uncomfortable, disappointed, or struggling. Every instinct tells us to smooth the path, remove obstacles, and protect them from pain.

But discomfort is a natural part of life. When your child becomes an adult, they'll face work situations that don't go their way, societal challenges, unfair treatment, and countless moments where things are just uncomfortable.

So, I want you to think of discomfort as a muscle that needs training. If we never let our kids experience it when they're young, they'll be completely unprepared when it shows up in their adult lives, which it absolutely will. 

3 Situations I Won’t Step In and Why… 

Small mistakes at school: A child forgets their homework. Instead of driving it to school or emailing the teacher, let them face the consequence of turning it in late or receiving a lower grade. They'll remember their homework much better after experiencing that discomfort than after hearing a lecture.

When my older son got in trouble at school for something small, I told him I wasn't going to argue on his behalf to the teacher. He did something, and he had to deal with the consequences. It is what it is.

Social Situations: In sports, kids constantly complain about bad referee calls or the other player cheating. You could jump in, talk to officials, and argue their case. Or you could say, "Sorry kid, this is life. Things happen. People make bad calls, and you have to deal with it."

The second option teaches them that unfairness exists and they need to develop resilience, not expect someone to fix everything.

Screen Time Violations: You set a boundary, one hour of screen time. You catch them at three hours. If there's no consequence, they've learned that boundaries don't matter. Follow through with the punishment you set, even though it's uncomfortable for everyone.

Situations Where I Will Step In 100%  

You can’t abandon your child under the name of natural consequences. There are clear times when parental involvement is absolutely necessary. To name a few…  

• When consequences are disproportionate: One day of consequences for a minor mistake is fair. A whole week for something they barely did? That's when you step in, not to eliminate consequences, but to advocate for fairness.
  

• When they need to learn to advocate for themselves: At age 8, you might step in. At 12, tell them to advocate for themselves first, and only get involved if that doesn't work. Age matters in how we apply this principle.   
  

• When you need to show you have their back: Kids need to know you won't always leave them hanging. If something has gone too far, if they're being treated genuinely unfairly, or if the situation is beyond their ability to handle, that's when you step in. 

Being too tough on them or letting them fend for themselves in such situations can instill resentment and overall a feeling of not being “safe” 

Why is Safety Important to Child Development, Key Benefits

I Got You 😉

If your parenting style is more of hovering and jumping in on every minor inconvenience, I get it. I used to coddle my kids too. But if you want to start pulling back and letting your kids take more accountability and understand natural consequences start here: 

▪️ Identify low-stakes situations. Start with small things where the consequences aren't dangerous or life-altering.

▪️ Set clear expectations. Before consequences can be natural, boundaries need to be clear. "You're allowed one hour of screen time" is clear. "Don't use screens too much" is not.

▪️ Follow through consistently. The hardest part is enforcing the consequence when it happens. If you set a boundary and don't enforce it, you've taught them boundaries don't matter.

▪️ Resist the rescue instinct. When your child is uncomfortable, pause before jumping in. Ask yourself: "Is this dangerous, or just uncomfortable?" If it's just uncomfortable, let them sit with it.

▪️ Explain the principle. Help them understand that learning to handle discomfort now prepares them for life later. You're not being mean, you're being realistic about what adulthood requires.

That’s all for today’s issue, parents! 💗

Inside the Laid-back Parent’s Internet History this week: 

🔖 READ: If you dump out your juice purposely, clean it up!

🔖 READ: Discipline Vs Punishment, What does neuroscience say about this?

🔖 READ: Age Appropriate Discipline Chart 

🔖 READ: Don't Yell. Do This Instead

Note for My Fellow -Back Parents 📧

Letting your child face consequences doesn't mean you don't care. It means you care enough about their future to prepare them for it.

It's uncomfortable for you, too. Watching your child struggle triggers every protective instinct you have. But remember: short-term discomfort builds long-term resilience.

See you next week,

Lakshmi 💛