Hi,

Several years ago, my husband got invited to speak at a conference internationally and we really had to think about if we should go.

The kids were young. Five and three. We would leave them with my in-laws, but the guilt? It was severe- what if something happens while we're gone? What kind of parents leave their kids for a trip? Are we terrible people?

We went and nothing happened! We came back. The kids were fine, and had the time of their lives with their grandparents.

But that guilt, it was uncontrollable. The feeling that if you're not with your kids, you're somehow failing and perhaps a bad parent. It consumes us.

I've watched a lot of moms around me struggle with the thought of being no one other than being a mom and it’s more common than we think.

THE REALITY: A LOT OF MOMS DO LOSE THEMSELVES

Identity loss is real. For a lot of moms, especially when kids are around 5 or 6 years old, it hits hard. You wake up one day and think- Is my whole world just being a mom now?

For this there’s a term called "matrescence.”

It’s the year-long identity shift that happens when you become a mom. It's like adolescence, but for motherhood. Your brain literally rewires the grey matter. Your priorities flip overnight.

Because when they're that young, they need you for everything. You're around all the time. You're taking care of every little thing. We pour everything into our kids, and then one day we look around and don't recognize our own life.

So if you're reading this and thinking, yeah, I have no idea who I am anymore you're not alone and there's no shame in that.

SOMETHING I DID DIFFERENTLY

Honestly, I don’t think I lost myself completely to motherhood because I've always been someone who does other things.

I think my personality helped. I've always been laid-back. If you ask my friends, I'm the one who goes with the flow. I'll go anywhere, do whatever, no drama and that carried over into parenting too.

But I also made choices.

I shifted what I was involved in before kids, I wasn't volunteering at schools. Now I am, yet I'm still doing things outside of just parenting. I joined a tennis team in the fall. I workout consistently. I make time to catch up with my girl friends. I build on my career and most importantly, I make sure I'm doing things that are mine.

So it's not that I didn't change. I absolutely did but I didn't disappear.

THE TURNING POINT: WHEN YOUR YOUNGEST IS AROUND 8

A lot of moms I know started doing their own thing when their youngest kid hit around 8, 9, 10 years old, that's when the kids become more independent. They can stay home for a bit. You get pockets of time back to start exploring again.

One mom I know started a little travel company. Another started crafting and selling things online. Others went back to work or joined return-to-work programs. If you're at that stage where your youngest is around 8, here's what I'd suggest:

1. If you've been out of the workforce, start looking at return-to-work programs. (The economy isn't great right now, but these things go in cycles. It will come back.)
   

2. Start meeting people outside of your kids' friend groups. The more you talk to different people, the more ideas you get.
   

3. Do something with your husband that has nothing to do with the kids. Join a wine club or rec sports teams. Take a class together. Go to dinner without them.
   

4. Explore a passion you used to have. Or find a new one.
   

Even if it's just twice a month, it matters.

THERE'S THE OTHER SIDE TOO: WHEN THEY DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE

My older son is 13 now. He's incredibly independent. He cooks and wants to do everything himself.

I also know that as he gets older, I'm going to feel more and more that he doesn't need me in the same way. In the back of my mind now I also think about how he only has five more years before he leaves for college. Five summers. I want to make the most of it.

When they're dependent, you build your whole life around being their mom, and suddenly that role shrinks.

That's a whole different kind of identity loss and I think that's why it's so important to start exploring your own thing now before they leave. So that when they do, you're not left thinking, Who am I without them?

Note for My Fellow Laid-Back Parents

You can be a great mom and still be yourself. You can love your kids and still have your own thing. You can be present for them and still take time for you.

It's not one or the other. It's both.

The sooner you start believing that, the easier it gets. The kids are watching and when they see you as a person with your own life, your own passions, your own identity, that's what they will take with them into adulthood. 

So start small and don't wait until they're gone for you to remember who you are.

See you next week,
Lakshmi 💛

📺 LAKSHMI WATCHES THIS WEEK:

Three things I watched this week when I needed a few minutes to myself: 

🎬 Movie Trailer I Found Interesting: The Breadwinner

📱 Random Video I found: What’s your age?

👨‍👩‍👧 Parenting Moment That Hit: Check here