Hi there,

The eye rolls have started with my 13-year-old (for a while now, tbh). The resistance mainly occurs when I ask him to do basic stuff, like brushing his teeth or taking a shower.

Honestly, it's exhausting. But a psychologist I follow on Instagram, Dr.Lisa Damour, said something that changes how I think about these tantrums and tween disrespect as a parent. 

She said that it’s not that your parenting is wrong or that your kid is broken.

This is just the age when they’re trying to figure themselves out, and they feel safest around the people they trust most, which means us.

So they push boundaries, test us. Sometimes, they treat us the worst. 

That doesn’t mean you turn every eye roll into a full-blown lesson, but also not that you let everything slide.

How to handle disrespectful tweens

As parents, we want to set boundaries. We want to teach them what’s acceptable and what’s not. But if every bit of attitude turns into a battle, the relationship slowly becomes combative. Over time, that might also build resentment on both sides.

So instead, we need to pick. We have to decide what actually matters, be firm there, and let go of the rest.

Only because you can’t fight every battle and still stay connected to your child.

What Actually Matters (My Hard Limits)

For me, there are a few things I don't budge on, and they range from basic manners to social situations. 

1. Hygiene
This comes up with boys a lot. "Go brush your teeth," "Go take a shower." They get so annoyed, but they need to do it. So I lay down the law. You are going to get some things taken away unless you take a shower. This is non-negotiable, especially now that they've reached a certain age.

2. Physical activity
My husband is big on this one. Get outside of the house and move around. We're not letting them sit with screens all day without moving their bodies.

3. Basic nutrition
I ask them: "What fruits and vegetables have you eaten today?" If they haven't eaten any, they can't get sweets until they eat something healthy. Because I don't know what they're eating at school. They're going to the cafeteria and getting French fries. I know they're not picking up the carrots.

These are the things I’m willing to push on. Everything else? I try to be more flexible.

Not perfectly,  I’m still figuring this out. Some days I let too many things slide. My husband ends up being stricter, and then he asks me, “Why am I always the bad parent?” and I'm like, "Well, I'm around them more. I can only fight so much."

Some days, I'll tell my son, "Okay, you have to get off the screen in 10 minutes because we're going to eat dinner." But then 10 minutes go by, and he's like, "But I just have to finish this one thing. I just need to finish this one video."

So I let it be.

Naturally, before I know it, I get distracted. He starts watching another video. At some point, I have to be firm, so I literally have to yank it away. But there's definitely an attitude around that.

It's a slippery slope. 

Make the Punishment Fit the Crime

When I do have to enforce consequences, I try to make the punishment fit the crime.

For example, if you don't brush your teeth every night, no dessert for you. That's directly related. My older son loves making movies, so I take his video camera away. That's something I know is important to him, so I can kind of hang it over his head. It doesn't always work out, but I try my best.

Over time, I’ve also come to realize that yes, I’m a laid-back parent, and some of us are. But it’s important not to be a permissive parent. There's a difference.

Laid back means you approach things in a more balanced way. You're not micromanaging every moment or turning everything into a lecture. Whenever I’m in a pickle, I think about this advice somebody gave me a long time ago…

The tween years are like an ocean wave. The waves go out, and they get huge. But then they come right back to you eventually.

So that's what this is. You're riding the wave for a few years. They're acting crazy. It's emotionally up and down.

Eventually, they'll come back. In their late teens, or as they get older, the attitude will become less. You just have to keep that in the back of your head: This will pass.

What's Normal and What's Not

Now, there's a version of this that's normal behavior. There's also a version that's beyond normal and requires professional help.

But as a parent, you can probably figure out if their attitude and behavior are off the normal range. The limits of normal are quite big.

When you're in it, you don't always feel like that.

I have this conversation with my husband a lot. He'll be like, "Oh my God, these kids are  acting crazy." My response is, "Yeah, but have you heard what's going on down the street? We have a good bunch."

Most of this is normal. It's developmental.

Note for My Fellow Laid-Back Parents

If you're dealing with constant eye rolls, resistance, and attitude right now, I get it. It's exhausting. It gets you thinking if you're doing something wrong. If you're too lenient or if you should be stricter.

But I want you to know, most of this is normal.

They're not broken, and you're not failing. This is just what tweens do when they feel safe enough to be themselves around you.

That doesn't mean you let everything go. Be firm on the things that actually matter. Let go of the rest.

Remember: this is a wave. It's huge right now. But it will come back.

Lakshmi 💛

📺 LAKSHMI WATCHES THIS WEEK:

Three things I watched this week when I needed a few minutes to myself: 

• 🎬 Movie I'm Taking the Kids To : Check here

• 📱 Random Video I found: Check here

• 👨‍👩‍👧 Parenting Moment That Hit: Check here