Hi there,

A few weeks ago, one of my 13-year-old son's friends’ mom reached out to me.

"Hey, want to get the kids together this weekend?" I thought it was great. The boys are friends at school, and I was relieved that someone else was taking the initiative.

We coordinated and picked a time. But my older one was mortified.

"Mom, you can't just schedule hangouts for me. That's so embarrassing."

I didn't think it was embarrassing. But apparently, at this age, having your mom text another mom to arrange a "get-together" is not cool at all. 

They're Too Old for Playdates, Too Young to Organize Consistently

When the kids were younger, this wasn't an issue. You can take them to the park. They'd find other kids and run around. Sometimes I'd exchange numbers with another parent, and we'd meet up again. Easy.

Now? My older son is more independent. He can make his own plans. Now and then, when the weather is nice, there's a group of kids playing basketball, and he'll go. Sometimes he'll text a neighborhood friend, and they'll plan to meet up.

But most of the time? His social life happens online.

His friends are all busy with activities. Their schedules don't line up. So instead of meeting up in person, they just… play a game together online at the end of the day. Everyone's in different houses, but they're "hanging out."

I don't know if that's a problem or if that's just how things are now.

What I've Tried (That Kind of Works, But Not Really)

1. Signing him up for activities. Tennis, acting classes, whatever keeps him busy and off screens. But on a Saturday, you have 10 hours to fill. I can't schedule back-to-back activities. That's insane.

2. Trying to connect with other parents. Sometimes he mentions friends I don't know, and I'll say, "Hey, get their mom's number so we can set something up." He looks at me like, "No, that's weird, Mom, this isn’t the 1900’s"

3. Encouraging him to text friends himself. Sometimes it works. Most of the time, everyone's "busy with activities," or it's just easier to stay home and connect online.

Lately what I've noticed: This problem is worse with boys.

Girls talk to each other constantly. They coordinate and plan. Someone takes the initiative.

Boys? They don't reach out first. They'll see each other at school, have a great time, and then go home and play video games together online instead of actually meeting up.

Is this a cultural thing or just a boy thing? You can't force him to go outside or coordinate with other parents without them getting upset.

So I'm asking you: What works in your house?

Note for My Fellow Laid-Back Parents

I'm not writing this to give you answers but because I'm in the middle of this too, and I genuinely don't know what to do.

My 13-year-old has friends. He's social. But he and his friends are social online, and I don't know if that's just "how it is" or if I should be doing more to push him out the door and meet the other kids in person.

So if you've figured something out, I'd love to hear it.

What works for your tween? Do you coordinate with other parents? Do you have screen rules that actually stick? Do your kids organize their own hangouts, or is that just… not happening?

Hit reply and let me know. I promise I'm reading every response.

See you next week,
Lakshmi 💛