Hi there,

As a woman and a mom, I've spent my life advocating for equal opportunities for girls. I've celebrated every "girl power" message and every barrier broken.

But, when I heard my son say ‘It’s a girls’ program now. We don’t want to do it.’ It had put me in a complicated position.

Because now I'm watching my sons navigate a landscape where they're starting to feel displaced. And I realize we need to talk about this. 

Who’s Leading Now

In one survey, 27% of teens said girls get more leadership positions at school, while only 16% said the opposite. Kids are noticing the imbalance just as much as we are.

And honestly, it matches what I see. Girls are the ones leading councils, topping grades, getting picked to lead the class. Even my husband, who interviews medical students for fellowships, notices how many more women are applying, and getting in, compared to before. 

It’s incredible progress, and it makes me proud. But as a “boy mom,” I can’t help but wonder, where does that leave them?

The Gender Gap in Teen Experiences 

Why Do Girls Get Picked More Often? 

A big part of the shift comes down to maturity.

On average, girls mature a little sooner than boys their age. If you’re a teacher with 25 kids, you’ll often give the leadership role to the one who seems calmer and more dependable, usually the girls.

But that’s not the only reason.

> Behavior and energy: Teachers know girls are less likely to be bouncing off the walls, so it feels “safer” to hand them responsibility.

> Stereotypes: Even today, I still hear people say, “She’s not good at math, but she’s a great writer.” Those old ideas linger, and often come with extra support for girls that boys don’t get.

> The girl-power push: For years we’ve told our daughters, “You can do anything.” Which is wonderful, but it sometimes means parents go out of their way to advocate for their girls while boys are left to figure it out themselves.

> Opting out. Boys don’t always apply. Sometimes they see leadership programs as “for girls” and don’t even try, which just reinforces the cycle. 

Here’s what I’ve noticed as a parent, once boys are given responsibility, they rise to it.

My son can be bouncing off the walls one minute, but the second I say, “You’re in charge while I’m out,” he steps right into it. He listens. He takes it seriously. He gets it done.

That’s the part we miss. Boys aren’t incapable of leadership, they’re just waiting to be trusted with it.

And when we look beyond the generalizations and see each child for who they are, they almost always surprise us.

Are Girls Doing Better Than Boys At School? 

What Can Schools Do About It… 

Schools have such a big influence here. Teachers and administrators are making dozens of little decisions every day about which kids to trust, who gets the leadership badge, and who’s called on to step up.

It’s natural that those opportunities often go to the same group of kids, the ones who seem calmer, more outspoken, or easier to manage. But that can mean other kids, especially boys, don’t get the chance to prove themselves. 

If we’ve created special leadership or mentorship spaces for girls, then we should be just as intentional about opening those doors for boys too. 

And sometimes it’s as simple as remembering to rotate the opportunity: “Okay, this week let’s give a boy the chance,” or “Let’s make sure the quiet kid gets to try.” 

Balance doesn’t just appear on its own. It comes from small, conscious choices by the adults guiding them.

Teachers in an experiment rated top-performing girls as more impactful role models than equally high-performing boys.  

What Parents Can Do Right Now… 

1. Advocate at school: If you notice the same group of kids always getting picked, mention it. Not as a complaint, more like, “Hey, just something to keep in mind.” Sometimes schools don’t even realize the pattern they’re creating.

2. Encourage boys to try anyway: When your son shrugs and says, “That’s for girls,” don’t let it end there. Remind him that his voice matters, too. One year’s selections don’t decide whether he belongs.

3. Help them build connections: Sports kids usually find their circle easily. But if your son isn’t into sports, that’s where we have to step in a little more.

Clubs, drama, robotics, music, whatever helps them find “their people.” And as much as possible, encourage in-person time. These days, friendships live on gaming headsets and group texts, but boys need face-to-face connection just as much as girls do. They’re just less likely to make it happen themselves.

4. See them as individuals: Not all boys are wild and unfocused, and not all girls are calm and organized. Each child is their own person.

My two boys are night and day. My younger one is quieter, more thoughtful, he’d make an amazing leader in the right setting. But he could easily get overlooked if teachers only pick the loud, outgoing kids.

Inside the Laid-back Parent’s Internet History this week: 

🔖 READ: Young Men Struggle As Girls Surge Ahead

🔖 READ: Untangling the “male loneliness epidemic”

🔖 READ: Should boys start school a year later than girls?

Note for My Fellow -Back Parents 📧

This conversation makes many of us uncomfortable because it challenges narratives we've held for decades about gender equity in education.

But here's what I know, advocating for our boys doesn't mean we stop advocating for our girls. Creating opportunities for one gender doesn't require taking them away from the other. Our job as parents is to see our individual children clearly and make sure the systems around them do the same.

If your son is feeling displaced or discouraged, that feeling is valid and deserves attention. If your daughter is thriving in leadership, that's wonderful and should be celebrated.

See you next week,

Lakshmi 💛