Hi there,

What were you doing in sixth grade? Probably trading stickers or riding bikes. Today’s sixth graders? They’re crying over not getting into Beta Club because they didn’t have a 95 average. 

That’s toxic achievement culture. And it’s everywhere. If you’ve ever watched your child melt down over a grade, felt a pang of panic at other kids’ achievements, or wondered if you’re doing enough, this is for YOU…

What “Toxic Achievement Culture” Means

It’s when success becomes so consuming it overwhelms kids and families.

It's especially common in high-income, high-achievement communities where parents are caught in a competitive cycle of college prep, advanced classes, and constant comparison.

Here's what makes it toxic: 

• Friends can’t come out to play because they're tutoring.

• Parents get grade alerts on their phones before their kids even see their own scores.

• Kids learn fast, my worth = my achievements.

How academic pressure and college admissions cause student stress?

Where Does the Pressure Come From

Academics: The academic pressure shows up in countless ways. Parents receive real-time grade notifications on their phones (sometimes before their child even knows the score). I've learned to turn these off, but many parents haven't.

You receive a notification that your child scored 79 on a math quiz, and you immediately start worrying, not knowing the class average might have been 70. 

Listing pressures teens are facing everyday, getting good grades tops the list!  

Sports: In sports, the pressure often comes wrapped in promises. Coaches tell parents their 8-year-old is "the best" and should join intensive programs that cost thousands per month and promise college scholarships.

But here's what they don't tell you, the best 8-year-old often isn't the best 16-year-old. Youth sports are constantly evolving, and early success doesn't predict long-term achievement.  

Parents living through their kids: Sometimes parents unconsciously project their own unfulfilled dreams onto their children. The dad who played sports wants his child to go further than he did.

It usually starts with good intentions but can quickly become about fulfilling your own aspirations rather than discovering what your child actually enjoys.  

Are You Living Vicariously Through Your Child? (Or Am I?!)

Let’s Talk About the Impact… 

In the short term, pressure often shows up as anxiety, meltdowns, or fear. Kids become scared to share grades with parents, and many start equating their worth with academic or athletic success, forgetting the qualities that make them unique.

Why Children Lie About Exam Grades and Marks To Parents 

Long term, the cost runs deeper. Many high-achieving kids reach college and fall apart. Years of chasing validation leave them unsure of who they are or what they want. When given freedom, they can turn to extremes, risky behavior, partying too much, or burnout, because they’ve never learned to define themselves beyond achievement.

The Big Lesson Parents Of High-Achieving Kids Must Teach Again And Again

 Signs Parents Should Watch Out  

Watch for these warning signs that achievement pressure is taking a toll:

🚩 Withdrawal from friends or family

🚩 Sleep problems or changes in appetite

🚩 Loss of joy in activities they used to love

🚩 Reluctance to share grades or discuss school

🚩 Physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches related to school stress

🚩 Perfectionist paralysis, being unable to start tasks for fear of not doing them perfectly

If you notice these signs, it's time to step back and reassess your approach. 

Time For a Culture Shift! 

What happens at home matters more than what happens at school or on the field.

1. Change your conversations: The simplest shift is changing what you ask when kids come home. Instead of "How did the quiz go?" try "What did you eat for lunch?" or "What made you laugh today?"

Show them you care about more than just their academic performance. Let them bring up grades and tests when they're ready. 

2. Turn off the notifications: Those real-time grade alerts are relationship killers. When you get a notification about a 79 before your child even knows the score, you start forming judgments and reactions before you have the full picture. Turn them off.

3. Praise beyond achievement: Make a conscious effort to compliment your child on non-achievement qualities first. Notice their sense of humor, their kindness, how they cleaned up without being asked, or how they helped a friend. 
The Ultimate Guide to Praising Your Kids 

4. Use humor to defuse pressure: In our house, we joke about achievement pressure. We'll say things like "If you don't get into Harvard, you're a disappointment" in such an obviously exaggerated way that the kids know we're making fun of that mindset. It helps them recognise how ridiculous some of the pressure is.

5. Model healthy achievement: Share your own failures alongside your successes. I tell my kids about the essay in college that came back covered in red marks, or the class I failed. Show them that making mistakes is part of learning and that you don't expect perfection from them.

That’s all for today’s issue, parents! 💗 

Inside the Laid-back Parent’s Internet History this week: 

Note for My Fellow -Back Parents 📧

Our children's value isn't their grades, their trophies, or their college acceptances. It's their curiosity, their kindness, their sense of humor, and their unique way of seeing the world.

We can't control the culture around us, but we can create a different culture in our homes. One family at a time, we can shift away from toxic achievement pressure toward healthy growth and genuine joy in learning.

See you next week,

Lakshmi 💛